Thursday, May 19, 2011

You know...

sometimes when you think you need alone time, what you really need is time not thinking about yourself.  Well, at least that is the case for me right now.  After being in Las Vegas last week and then coming home to a lot of work to be done here, I really needed this day off.  It wasn't a special day, I really thought I would be off today and tomorrow for working the weekend.  But, since I only worked on Saturday and already made appointments for Hannah and I, I decided to take the odd Thursday off. 

So, after staying up with my dog last night due to thunderstorms, I decided that I would be absolutely lazy all day.  Well, as I absorbed the sports massage it clicked in my mind that I really need to reach out.  I need to reach out to people in my life.  There are many people I need to just drop a note to and tell them that I have been thinking of them.  And, that lightened my load. 

I have been super tired lately.  Not like last year.  I have lost 30 pounds and it has helped significantly, though I still have farther to go.  And, I have been feeling a bit schizophrenic in my emotions and thoughts.  I guess that isn't really fair to say, because I don't know what schizophrenia is truly like, but it is the only way I know to express myself.  The emotions and thoughts swing on an incredibly fast and sometimes slow pendulum.  Not really sure what is going on.

I find it more difficult to be a mother now that Hannah is 13.  I think the teenage years are difficult for everyone.  The isolation you feel as a parent when you child now wants to be with her friends or by herself instead of you.  Then, when you do get the opportunity to talk or be part of their life, it is about taking her to this event, that event.  Or, she is exasperated and you have to calm yourself before you utter a word.  While I have always been the mother that needs to have her own time and space and I have never been as cuddly as she has probably wanted me to be, but I miss the moments of connection.  And when they do come, they are so out of sync with what is going on, I find myself missing them.  And, once the time has passed, it has passed.

Life is not easy.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


after two weeks of pain, of dreading just about everything, I am doing so much better.  I am sure prayers of friends definitely helped. 

Hannah and I went to "Revolve" in Reading, PA this past weekend.  It was a good time.  We missed the first night since we had to drop off her science fair project, but we made it to Reading by about 8 and were able to try out a restaurant we have seen advertised on tv.  It was fine.  Had I not driven 3 hours in a storm and was feeling better, it would have been much more fun.  They have a huge game room there for all ages.  We just walked through it twice.

As usual, I probably got as much out of Revolve as Hannah did.  And, I love the bands.  We missed Britt Nicole, but we did get to see Group 1 Crew and Hawk Nelson.  They were both awesome.

Talking about awesome...I love Adele's cd. She has a tremendous voice.

We were relieved to find that we had jobs to go to Monday morning.  While it would have been nice to be able to sleep in and enjoy a lazy day at home, it would not have been fun to worry about whether or not we were going to get paid.  And since both of our checks come from the government, as well as Ron's retirement, well as Hannah would say, we would have been in a bit of a pickle.

Monday, April 4, 2011

feeling and knowing part deux

from "Chatting at the Sky"

Driving home from the grocery store, I am so deep in thought that I miss my turn. I drive home the long way, pause to take a picture of a pretty house, hum a little of The Story, ask myself if the pace of my life fits the pace of my soul. Life lately demands performance, while my soul demands space. I think of Ann’s words: Life is not an emergency. I dare myself to believe her. I pray peace words over the whirring hum lodged in my heart. It’s a physical whirr with emotional impact. Peace looks me in the eye and asks to do what Peace does best. Let me be your umpire. I consider it, but I hold back. It feels risky.
His words come to mind, Be still and know that I am God (Ps. 46:10), and I notice especially today that it doesn’t say to be still and feel. It says know, and that feels particularly important today.

I don't know why, but I always have such an issue with feeling and knowing.  It is so difficult for me to not rely on my feelings; even though I know they lie to me and cheat me out of my best life. 

I am working through so many things right now.  Work and life are whirring and whirring around me and I just want to stop and absorb and think.  Then when I really have an opportunity to do some real absorbing, what do I do?  I sleep.

As we are reading "Made to Crave" for our women's group, I really think I am being reminded that at this time in my life, my real problems are not with food.  The heart of my issue at this season in my life is alcohol, not food.  I really would love to be the type of person that can drink every once in a while.  But, I tend to rely on it.  I need it to relax.  And not just one drink, but enough to obliterate my whirring thoughts.  Every time I do, I think I just realize that this is not my best life.  This is not what God wants for me.  This is what I need to give up.  And then my brain tries to jump in and say, no, that is not what God is saying.  Or, why can't I have a glass of wine?  So many thoughts.  This is blocking my life.

So, if I know this, why can't I just STOP!  It isn't like I drink every day or every weekend.  But, as soon as I have the desire, I feel like I deserve it.

Why aren't I able to just turn to God? Just give this to him? 

it's a beautiful day

the sun is shining and the clouds are gone.  what a glorious day.  its supposed to be about 75 degrees today.  wonderful weather for hannah's soccer game. 

Thursday, March 31, 2011

feeling and knowing

“And we know (we know it even if we don’t feel it) that in all things (even the ones we can’t even fathom being used for good) God works for the good. (He works for the good. Our job is to walk with Him day by day. His job is to work the good.)" - Lysa Terkeurst

Feeling and knowing are difficult for me to grasp.  I am so trained to go by what I feel, that I often set aside what I know.  Is this how most people are or is it symptomatic of having major depressive disorder. 

One thing I know for sure, I can not fall back on something that I don't know.  I don't take time to put the truth in me, so I should not be surprised when I fall or when I don't know about all of the truths God has spoken about me.  That would be like me performing surgery without having gone to school.  I need the knowledge.

I often find my mind divided.  I know what I want to do, but I am not single minded in my pursuits, which means that I end up running in circles.  I really hate this feeling.  And I hate the feeling of craziness, thinking I will get different results when I am doing the same thing over and over.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Indianapolis is a lonely place

My first outing as the 'new' manager of conferences has not been without its problems.  It appears that those who are of a higher grade don't have to play by the rules.  It is quite infuriating for someone like me.  I have had a branch manager behave in ways that he would never allow others to behave, and what am I to do about it? I will be reporting it to my superiors, but it is still unfair to those of use doing all that is required of us.  I am truly disappointed. 

Really miss the family.  I am so tired from working all weekend and then flying out here.  I have returned to the hotel every evening, too tired to fight the crowds in the city.

But I am loving room service, too bad I can't have it at home :-)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Even when you know you are not in charge

It is so hard to accept.  When I got into work this morning I found a message from a family friend.  There was an attempted abduction of an 11 year old boy less than a mile from where we live.  He got off the school bus and a van followed him home.  Then a man tried to follow him into his home. 

I was shocked.  Yes, I know that anything can happen at any time and that there are no guarantees, but this scared me.  Scared me enough to leave work at 2 pm today to be at the bus stop when Hannah gets off the bus.  This way I can talk to her about the situation and we can discuss what she should do.  I hate that I can't be there everyday or that there isn't anyone who could be there for her, but I have to leave it in the Lord's hands. 

This world is so scary.  I was reading Lysa's blog this morning about how satan tries to make us feel like little mistakes or littlw moves out of God's will won't have a tremendous effect on our life.  I know that it was something I struggled with when it came to drinking.  Was alcohol wrong for me?  I justified that there are many Christians that drink.  But that was not the issue, it wasn't what others were doing, it was what I was doing and what control it had over my life.  It came down to a horrible misunderstanding with my husband that could have broke us that caused me to finally say no more.  Then two weeks later, I wanted to drink.  I thought I had gotten past it.  But R hadn't.  Alcohol was a problem.  Not only did I embarass myself in front of friends and strangers at a party, but I also embarassed my daughter.  Then, because I was incapacitated, my husband couldn't find me and thought the worst.  Was it worth it?  Was it really worth disconnecting?  Was it worth everything that I allowed in to my life when I took a drink? 

It has now been two months since I drank.  I have been tempted to many times.  But, I am trying to remember that God has good things planned for me and I will only know when those things are staring me in the face if I am sober and able to see.

How did I go from abduction to alcohol?  Maybe because the whole situation with my daughter makes me want to have a drink.

I have felt very disconnected to all things of late.  Not exactly sure what that is all about.  I heard a woman speak at our church a few weeks ago about losing two children and while she was talking, she said that her mind was so divided that she was not able to focus.  When she said that it was an 'ah-ha' moment for me.  That is where I am at.  The divided mind.  Obviously not the same thing she was talking about - would never compare anything that I have lived through to losing a child.  Oh my.

But, my mind is divided.  I pray, but I feel like they are not reaching past the ceiling at times.  I read the Bible and it catches in my soul, but I feel as though I am not putting any of it to work in my life.  I have inappropriate emotions about different situations.  It is all kinda strange.  It is as though I am just putting one foot infront of the other and meeting the deadlines, etc.  But, not achieving or soaring. 

Anything that puts demands on me, I pull away from.  Lord, I need you to govern this divided mind and soul.  I welcome you to do it.  Put the pieces of me back together in your design, not mine.