Driving home from the grocery store, I am so deep in thought that I miss my turn. I drive home the long way, pause to take a picture of a pretty house, hum a little of The Story, ask myself if the pace of my life fits the pace of my soul. Life lately demands performance, while my soul demands space. I think of Ann’s words: Life is not an emergency. I dare myself to believe her. I pray peace words over the whirring hum lodged in my heart. It’s a physical whirr with emotional impact. Peace looks me in the eye and asks to do what Peace does best. Let me be your umpire. I consider it, but I hold back. It feels risky.
His words come to mind, Be still and know that I am God (Ps. 46:10), and I notice especially today that it doesn’t say to be still and feel. It says know, and that feels particularly important today.
I don't know why, but I always have such an issue with feeling and knowing. It is so difficult for me to not rely on my feelings; even though I know they lie to me and cheat me out of my best life.
I am working through so many things right now. Work and life are whirring and whirring around me and I just want to stop and absorb and think. Then when I really have an opportunity to do some real absorbing, what do I do? I sleep.
As we are reading "Made to Crave" for our women's group, I really think I am being reminded that at this time in my life, my real problems are not with food. The heart of my issue at this season in my life is alcohol, not food. I really would love to be the type of person that can drink every once in a while. But, I tend to rely on it. I need it to relax. And not just one drink, but enough to obliterate my whirring thoughts. Every time I do, I think I just realize that this is not my best life. This is not what God wants for me. This is what I need to give up. And then my brain tries to jump in and say, no, that is not what God is saying. Or, why can't I have a glass of wine? So many thoughts. This is blocking my life.
So, if I know this, why can't I just STOP! It isn't like I drink every day or every weekend. But, as soon as I have the desire, I feel like I deserve it.
Why aren't I able to just turn to God? Just give this to him?
No comments:
Post a Comment