Even when you know you are not in charge

It is so hard to accept.  When I got into work this morning I found a message from a family friend.  There was an attempted abduction of an 11 year old boy less than a mile from where we live.  He got off the school bus and a van followed him home.  Then a man tried to follow him into his home. 

I was shocked.  Yes, I know that anything can happen at any time and that there are no guarantees, but this scared me.  Scared me enough to leave work at 2 pm today to be at the bus stop when Hannah gets off the bus.  This way I can talk to her about the situation and we can discuss what she should do.  I hate that I can't be there everyday or that there isn't anyone who could be there for her, but I have to leave it in the Lord's hands. 

This world is so scary.  I was reading Lysa's blog this morning about how satan tries to make us feel like little mistakes or littlw moves out of God's will won't have a tremendous effect on our life.  I know that it was something I struggled with when it came to drinking.  Was alcohol wrong for me?  I justified that there are many Christians that drink.  But that was not the issue, it wasn't what others were doing, it was what I was doing and what control it had over my life.  It came down to a horrible misunderstanding with my husband that could have broke us that caused me to finally say no more.  Then two weeks later, I wanted to drink.  I thought I had gotten past it.  But R hadn't.  Alcohol was a problem.  Not only did I embarass myself in front of friends and strangers at a party, but I also embarassed my daughter.  Then, because I was incapacitated, my husband couldn't find me and thought the worst.  Was it worth it?  Was it really worth disconnecting?  Was it worth everything that I allowed in to my life when I took a drink? 

It has now been two months since I drank.  I have been tempted to many times.  But, I am trying to remember that God has good things planned for me and I will only know when those things are staring me in the face if I am sober and able to see.

How did I go from abduction to alcohol?  Maybe because the whole situation with my daughter makes me want to have a drink.

I have felt very disconnected to all things of late.  Not exactly sure what that is all about.  I heard a woman speak at our church a few weeks ago about losing two children and while she was talking, she said that her mind was so divided that she was not able to focus.  When she said that it was an 'ah-ha' moment for me.  That is where I am at.  The divided mind.  Obviously not the same thing she was talking about - would never compare anything that I have lived through to losing a child.  Oh my.

But, my mind is divided.  I pray, but I feel like they are not reaching past the ceiling at times.  I read the Bible and it catches in my soul, but I feel as though I am not putting any of it to work in my life.  I have inappropriate emotions about different situations.  It is all kinda strange.  It is as though I am just putting one foot infront of the other and meeting the deadlines, etc.  But, not achieving or soaring. 

Anything that puts demands on me, I pull away from.  Lord, I need you to govern this divided mind and soul.  I welcome you to do it.  Put the pieces of me back together in your design, not mine.

Praising

As I drove in to work this morning, I just had to thank God.  The leaves are changing and the hills look so incredibly beautiful. 

A week ago today, I was suffering from a horrible case of food poisoning in an Albuquerque hotel.  Actually, I don't think there is anything but a horrible case of food poisoning.  What a difference a week makes! 

I can't wait until the elections are over.  The constant political ads are draining.  Unfortunately I am not excited about any of the candidates, but there are certain issues that I vote along the lines of.  I know it is controversial, but I just can't vote for someone who supports abortion.  I feel that it proves you lack compassion for human life.  Okay, I know that if anyone actually reads this, someone will be so incredibly upset, but this is my forum and my thoughts.  My feelings go way deeper than that, but that is the quick gist.

Children will be trick-or-treating tonight.  Hannah is going over to her buddy's house to go with them.  I decided to just drop her off and then pick her up.  I have been battling headaches because of the barometric pressure (I assume that is what it is), so I don't want to set myself up for failure.

Well, so much work to complete, so I am off.

Time to change

No, not the clocks. Me! 

It is difficult to look back and see that you have been in a real funk for months.  But I have been.  First, it was the medication change that threw me for a loop for a few months.  Then, giving up alcohol after a disasterous situation.  Then, waiting to find out if I would get the promotion at work (which I did not).  I have been on my back for three days with a flaring disc.  And I look at the way I have been and feel like I am existing and not living.
I have not taken the time to spend intentional time with Jesus for months.  And I have to tell you, it shows.  On "She Cooks" this morning, the scripture was:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:6-7 

Then she added, Prayerless lives are powerless lives, while prayerful lives are powerful lives!


I have been living a prayerless life and that is why I am experiencing more depression, more powerlessness, more anxiety.  My father calls to me through his word on a daily basis, but instead of going to my knees, I have been tucking that away and occupying myself with mind numbing computer games and tv. 
 
Why?  Why am I ignoring what I know?
 
I think part of it is I am hurt.  I know that God does not 'not' do things I want him to do or pray for him to do because he doesn't like me.  But, I feel so empty about things because of the nos I keep running into. 
 
No, my husband is not going to start going to chruch.
No, my daughter is not going to listen to the words I say.
No, I am not goign to lose the weight I need to lose.
No, I am not getting the promotion.
No, my fun side job is not going to be successful.
No, friends will not respond the way I want.
 
No, no, no!
 
And I don't want to sit around and ask why?  So, I guess I just walk away, put up a wall and respond to God with apathy.  I don't want this either.  I need you Jesus!  I need you.  I know I keep thinking that I am being punished deservedly. 
 
I love you Jesus.  I need you.  I am sorry for continually putting you aside and living on emotion instead of knowledge.  I am so sorry that I have been writing down your scriptures but not using them.  Forgive me for neglecting the love you have for me in your word!

Letting Go Of Worry from Faith Barista

When I read the entry below from Faith Barista, I thought, wow!  There is someone in this world that thinks like I do.  You know what, I know there are probably thousands.  I wish so much that we were able to truly be real with one another and not hide behind what we want people to think about us, but be sure that despite what they might think at that moment, they still love and accept us. 

I don't think there is anyone on this earth that we can be confident feels that way.  But, I know Jesus does.  I know in my head, but my heart doesn't always listen.  I wish it would.  I wish the head knowledge I have would move down to my heart and then it would become a consistent action in my life. 

But, I am afraid.  And, I just don't know if I could articulate why.

We can trust God. Then, why do we still worry?


Worry feels so intuitive that the times I don’t do it, I worry that I’m being careless. That’s why I love vacations so much. It’s like getting a permission slip to stop worrying. Sometimes I try to cure myself of worry by psyching myself out. I tell myself to pretend I’m on vacation.

It doesn’t work.

Another tactic I’ve used to stop worrying is to combine pure determination with logic or even reciting memory verses.

I can do it! I tell myself. But, white-knuckling gets tiring. Worse yet, I end up with an added dose of guilt for not standing up to worry.

I was praying faithfully about the things that bothered me, but I couldn’t shake my worries.

Am I Really Important To God?


So, what’s keeping me from letting go?

“Do not worry…Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?” ~ Jesus in Matthew 6:26

I know the Sunday School answer. But, the answer my heart gives is faint. I’m not entirely convinced that I’m enough.

It even feels a bit egotistical to ask whether I’m really all that important to God. After all, hasn’t the key always been to focus on God and not myself?

But, here Jesus is, telling us not to worry for the simple reason that God thinks we’re important.

It sounds so good that my skeptical heart feels it’s too good to be true. I get the same feeling every time I see those emails clog up my spam box, telling me I can get a free iPad for just taking a survey.

Carrying My Rocks


I realize the reason I can’t shake my worries even though I pray is this: Every time I lift up my concerns and problems to God in prayer, I quietly slip those rocks of burdens back into my bag and carry them out with me at Amen.

I know God means well, but I just would feel better if I had them back. Because, after all, who knows if God is really that happy with me?

Better take care of me.

Voila. That is how worry litters my path.

What God Wants


There is a happy ending to this story because Jesus really is very kind. He does love me so very much that He spoke to me during a song we sang one Sunday Service.

God is bigger than my mountain, bigger than my valley, bigger than my problem, bigger than my pain, Our God, God is faithful. ~ Lyrics to “God is Faithful” by Norman Hutchins

Maybe if I let go of trying to manage my life, I would see God leading me through it.

God is faithful, not only to do what He intends to do.

God is faithful to love me. He pursues me because He actually wants me to trust Him.

You are very important to me, Bonnie. Give me a chance to prove my love to you.

Let go of your worries and take my hand.

What’s Following You


If you look behind you and find worry and preoccupation dogging you — as they have me — turn with me to take a chance with Jesus.

Let the worst fears see the light of day. Let the plate you’ve been juggling fall. See how God can take matters into His hands. See how God can take you in His hands.

We learn day by day, to see surely goodness and mercy following us — as we bleep like sheep and let our problems play out in our Shepherd’s hands.

Maybe we’d end up discovering how much we’re really worth.

I’m sure of it.

God is faithful.

Don't think anyway is reading this, so I wanted to repost so I will remember.

Nothing More and Nothing Less


16 Sep 2010

Rachel Olsen

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought." Matthew 5:5 (MSG)

Lord, how can I become content with just who I am, nothing more and nothing less?

I'm certainly prone to want to be more, or less, than I am. To be smarter, prettier, funnier, fitter. To be more productive, perky and high energy. And then also to be lower key, calmer, more level-headed and focused.

I want to have better self-awareness, and yet I want to be less concerned about what others think of me.

I want to be a better cook, to sing beautifully and to keep th e house neat without so much perceived effort. And did I mention fuller, thicker hair would be nice too? I want to be a better writer – one that's both highly creative and meticulously organized. And I want fewer propensities to run late, slack off or procrastinate.

Yes, I want to be both more and less of me.

Jesus shushes my endless listing of the things I want to change about myself – to improve about myself so I can have what I'm sure would be a better life. He asks me instead to humbly make peace with it all. To lay down my notions of a better woman and a better life by letting Him be the judge of that. To simply take what I'm given and offer it back to Him, in service and surrender. Willingly assuming that I am enough – I have what it takes to live a great life. One that pleases God, others and self.

Today's key verse is among several in the Bible that fuels a core convi ction I hold: When I stop striving to create a life for myself, I find the life God creates for me. This, my friend, is a powerful truth, a divine secret. His life for me begins precisely where mine ends. My life ends in my sin and striving and begins again in God's grace and power. His empowering indwelling affords me everything I truly need and nothing I truly don't.

Do you too long to be content with just who you are in Christ – nothing more and nothing less? Jesus addresses us both in Matthew 23:11-12, ""Do you want to stand out? Then step down. Be a servant. If you puff yourself up, you'll get the wind knocked out of you. But if you're content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty." (MSG)

Amazingly, God's grace humbles a woman without degrading her, and His favor lifts her up without inflating her. The life she finds in Him makes her the proud owner of everything money can't buy – a life of contentment.

Dear Lord, help me to quiet my critical, striving spirit today and gratefully accept who I am and where I'm at in this moment. For You are here, ready to invisibly empower my life to count for plenty right where I am. Help me also to seek and hold your definition of "plenty" – nothing more and nothing less. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Thoughts from my commute

I started reading James this morning.  I just reread it in a different version because what I thought it was saying, I guess it isn't.  Not sure.  But while I was driving to work this morning, I thought, if I think that I am unworthy to receive God's blessings, am I actually throwing in his face the sacrifices he did for me?  I mean, he obviously thought I was worth it.  So, if I walk around all of the time saying how I am not worth his time and blessings, am I rebelling in some way?

Am I supposed to remember his sacrifice and then realize my righteousness through that? 

Encourage with (in)Courage

I received a free 10 pack of encouragement cards from (in)Courage and Dayspring.  They are visually beautiful.  But, the most stunning thing was that they speak to the heart of so many things you would want to say to someone that you would hope to encourage or let them know that you are there for them. 

I have sent two cards. 

One to a wonderful lady at my church who has become a mentor to me.  She has grown daughters my age, but when I speak to her or serve on a committee with her, she inspires me in so many ways.  She encourages me to spend more time with Jesus and to focus on my relationship with him.  But, she also encourages me to be quiet in my manner and to think before I speak.  Boy, do I need that!

I sent another to a lady that was in two of my book groups.  I know that she doesn't feel particularly worthy of much.  But she is such a strong woman.  She is always so encouraging of others and she is so supportive.  I don't get to spend much time with her.  But, I wanted her to know how special she is to me.

Thank you for reminding me to stop and look around.  God puts wonderful people in your life and often I overlook them.  These cards helped me to stop and take time to remember.

This is where I am

As I read Dawn's post this morning, it came to me, that is where I am.  No, I am not nearly as busy as she is, so I can't use that as an excuse, but I am definitely at the 'just keep swimming, just keep swimming' phase.

I believed that once all of the traveling was complete, I would feel like a person again.  But then, this past weekend was the worst of my life.  Really.  So far.  As I sat on the bathroom floor bawling, trying to figure out how to fix something that was so completely and awfully broken, my mind did flash to the alternative - no feeling at all.  I know this is completely wrong, selfish, everything, but the truth is, I went there.  I haven't visited that place for quite some time.  It was homey feeling, just some place I couldn't believe I found myself.

I am still recovering from that.  Recovering from the trauma and also from visiting a place I thought I had left behind.  I guess with all of that going on and with my father-in-law going in for heart surgery it was no surprise that I found myself in bed yesterday with a horrible migraine.  One that came, left, came back and finally left for a while. 

I don't know.  What do you do to revive yourself?  What do you do to remind yourself of your purpose?  How do you apologize to God and then allow yourself to be forgiven?  I am still floundering, I don't have the answers.

This is where I am

Did you know?

September 12th is National Encouragement Day.  I just find that to be fantastic.  I think we often overlook how important it is to encourage others.  And, it doesn't have to be a huge thing.  A smile, a hug, a sentence written on a card and dropped in the mail (my personal favorite), or even a comment on someone's Facebook wall.  That little bit of encouragement means so much to someone who is having a bad day, hurting or just feeling overlooked. 

I am absolutely not a star at this.  I often intend to do it and then it just slips my mind later.  But, I resolve today to be better at it.  I want to lift others up!  I want them to know they are important.  I will first start at home - but watch out world, here I come!

What it Really Takes to Join Sisterhood of Women

What it Really Takes to Join Sisterhood of Women

When Lissa Turscott slid down her bus window and whipped that baseball hard, I felt the thud in my back and the smash of my heart and I hunched over to catch the pieces all shattering.


I heard her friends all slapping her on the back in congratulations as the bus moaned away.


Some bruises break the vessels skin deep and others just break souls and Lissa and Judith and Alexa and all the girls with the teased bangs, they were the ones sashaying to the latest Madonna songs and I was the mocked girl wearing polyester pants from the Sally Ann.


I’ve been rejected and I’ve skirted wide circles around women and maybe you know something about wide berths and big circles?


The skittish circles you make at church teas around the buffet table looking for another cracker and hoping no one makes eye contact?


The way you carry a book to the kids’ swimming lessons like a piece of armour so no one gets close enough to trample on your still bruised heart?


The imaginary and very real boundaries you draw around your life like a barbed wire fence?


And when you’ve been hurt, you’re making sure that won’t be happening any time soon and you keep this wary distance from anywhere where you’d have to show the bare underbelly of your tender heart. But no one tells you that the shields you carry to keep you safe, become the the steel cages that keep you alone.


And then sometimes along comes someone who lays a hand on your shield, who sticks her hand through the bars of your protective cage... and quietly waits. And for you.


She’s a woman like Tonia who every day sends me lines of her thoughts. I get brave and send back mine. For five years, we write letters and exchange bits of our lives. I begin to trust the places with no shields. And I begin to see the beauty of women and the way their words have movement and action and meaning and you can always trust what moves, what reaches out, trust the words that migrate down to the muscle and touches skin.


She’s a woman like Marlene who shows up unexpected in the middle of some crazy morning with a bouquet of yellow roses in hand and she says she believes in me and God and whatever is to come and she prays before she leaves. I dry her roses and this is what I will preserve, a friendship that gives like this because there’s no currency in the world that can buy you this and this is the only treasure worth storing up, love.


She’s a woman like Megan and I open a note from her and I laugh wonder when I find this picture of her holding a square of cardboard scrawled with the words, “Run the Race, friend!” and another picture too, her holding the back side of the cardboard and the words, “You can do it!”


And we can. We can do it.


We can believe that God alone is our security and love is always worth the risk and there is no better investment than reaching out to someone and locking arms and unlocking your heart. No better investment than finding the time for friendship and the courage to be real and the humility to say we’re sorry. And distrust can cost us the very richest life of all and the price for being safe can be too expensive and friendship is the only thing that will show up at our funerals.


We can do life together and we can laugh about babies who pee on Sunday skirts and boys who lose piano books and daughters who try on seven outfits before deciding on anything and their bedroom floor is proof of it, and we can drive each other to doctor appointments and bring soup when the flu season hits and we can see something on a shelf that whispered the other’s name and we can wrap it up and give it on any day at all for no reason at all but to celebrate a kindred sister.


And we can hold each other’s fragility and we can forgive each other when we crack an artery, and our hearts will break, and we can pray and grant grace and begin again because we've tasted mercy and His name is Jesus.


I am learning to reach out my hand.


And long after Lissa Turscott, on one fine spring day in the summer of my life, I meet a woman, a woman who loves women, a woman who helped build a certain cyber beach house I know, and she drives me up and down and around the winding backroads of Arkansas and I ramble all awkward and thick tongued in her passenger seat and I wish for the luxury of a wall somewhere just to be a flower.


We share a no-fat sticky bun together on a Monday morning with a glass of orange juice and we don't believe for a New York minute that that sticky sweet won't find our hips. We laugh. I meet her friends. They are wondrous. My mouth feels dry. She drives me to the airport. And when I am back home on the farm, she writes me a letter, and I keep it.


“You have been hurt by women. I could see the pain in your eyes… And I've never done this before but... I feel prompted to make you a promise of friendship."


"I promise I will never speak an unkind word to or about you. I will never be jealous of you. I will never compete with you. I will never abandon or betray you. I will love you. I will pray for you. I will do all I can to help you go far and wide in the Kingdom.


I will accept you as you are, always. I will be loyal to you. Before our loving God of grace, you have my words and my heart in friendship for this life and forever with Him.”


And our God is a love body and He hates amputations and He sutures our wounds together with the silver threads of community. And I have found healing here. Trust asks us to live (in) Courage.


In this place, we kneel down beside you. In this place, we reach out our hands. In this place, can you hear us whisper? “You have been hurt. We can see the pain in your eyes —- We offer you a promise of friendship.”


In the places of sisters and sinners and souls made saints, we make big circles around women and together we watch each other's backs and together we bend down when one hunches over in pain and together we pick up the shards of the hearts all shattered.


Because this is the promise of friendship that the true sisterhood always makes good on.This we can do.


And by God's good grace, we will.

Where has the time gone?

It is really awful when you are so boring that even you don't want to read what you have to write about your life.  Okay, maybe it isn't that boring, but I have been too busy to sit and think and write and pontificate. (sorry, just had to change the font.  I can't stand New Times Roman)

Life has been super busy.  I think I have traveled twice each month for work and that does not count family trips here, there and everywhere.  I am heading to Chicago on the 26th, where I will be addressing an unknown number of prevention and firefighter professionals on the topic of the Exchange and all the things our agency can provide them.  I am more than a bit nervous.  I feel as though I have the presentation, i.e. PowerPoint, completed, but I still need to write my script, go over it a few million times and then make myself cue cards.  It feels like everything is leading up to this speech and after that, I can finally take a deep breath. 

We recently had a staff member retire.  That means that his position has been advertised.  Well, it really isn't his position but it is his grade.  I am applying for the job like every other 11 on the campus and possibly like every other retired state worker.  This is a good job for them to move into after retiring from the state, but man!  why do they want to hire someone who has already retired.  Aren't we trying to set ourselves up for the future?  They continually hire the same people, 55+, who really just want something cushy for the next five years and they will be off again.  I am thinking that it may be time for me to move out of this agency.  Yes, I realize that it is close and that the grass is always greener on the other side, but I am not prepared to wait another 5 years for a promotion when I work as hard and most definitely harder than the people holding the higher positions.

H is beginning middle school in a few weeks.  I think she is super excited, but I am a little cautious.  Middle School, I remember those days.  Things change so much.  I feel like she may not be ready for that yet.  Or, maybe I am not ready for it.

Well, I need to get back to the presentation. 

Sometimes, I am just not sure about this thing called life

The past month has been a difficult one.  Seven weeks ago I decided to lower my medication level and was so excited to do it. 

The first two weeks were fine.  I thought, wow!  this is way easier than I thought it would be. 

During the next two weeks, R would ask me if I was okay.

The last two weeks, well, I fell apart.  There was a lot going on at work.  I was traveling.  Ended up that I wasn't sleeping and then not exercising.  The last weekend I spent off and on in bed crying.  I felt (feel) like such a failure.

This is from a friend. I don''t know how she knew I really needed it.

Christ be in my mind and in my thinking,


Christ be in my eyes, in everything I see,

Christ be in my ears and in my hearing,

Christ be in my mouth, in every word I speak,

Christ be in my heart and in my loving,... See More

Christ be in my life, each moment that I live.

Let nothing trouble you,


let nothing make you afraid.

All things pass away.

God never changes.

Patience obtains everything.... See More

God alone is enough.

Some Days I am Just SO Over it All

Preparing for this trip to Las Vegas for work has really put me near to the end of my rope.  I just don't understand why it has to be so hard.  But, I guess it is because I am working through a third person.  Someone who feels that their only power in the world is to handle conferences.  Then why aren't they doing this one?  Oh, because you didn't want to!  THEN LET ME HANDLE IT ALREADY!

And why, oh why did I schedule an Initial's party for Friday.  This Friday, when I have been stressed out all week?  When I know I am getting ready for a trip?  When I know that I have to do a meet and greet for 2 1/2 hours in the afternoon on Friday?  Why do I do this to myself?

I really don't enjoy arguing. Or complaining for that matter.  I am just at the end of my rope.

Where am I?

Okay, so I am really starting over this time.  I have deleted the lj and deleted the posts I did here before.  Now, as I sit at my desk avoiding the pile of tasks sitting beside me, I am excited for something new.  A new page.  Like the first day of school.  I was always so excited to start school.  New clothes, new shoes and my absolute favorite, new school supplies. 

I loved organizing everything, sharpening new No 2s and labeling.  But, opening that notebook and writing something for the first time.  It had to be perfect, no erasures, no mistakes.  That is how I feel now.  It is hard to just jump in.  How much do I share?  Does it matter?  Thank God for 'delete' buttons.

So, for now, I am going to press the 'publish post' button and get to work.  There are so many thoughts and 'things' in my brain - which to tackle first.