Time to change

No, not the clocks. Me! 

It is difficult to look back and see that you have been in a real funk for months.  But I have been.  First, it was the medication change that threw me for a loop for a few months.  Then, giving up alcohol after a disasterous situation.  Then, waiting to find out if I would get the promotion at work (which I did not).  I have been on my back for three days with a flaring disc.  And I look at the way I have been and feel like I am existing and not living.
I have not taken the time to spend intentional time with Jesus for months.  And I have to tell you, it shows.  On "She Cooks" this morning, the scripture was:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:6-7 

Then she added, Prayerless lives are powerless lives, while prayerful lives are powerful lives!


I have been living a prayerless life and that is why I am experiencing more depression, more powerlessness, more anxiety.  My father calls to me through his word on a daily basis, but instead of going to my knees, I have been tucking that away and occupying myself with mind numbing computer games and tv. 
 
Why?  Why am I ignoring what I know?
 
I think part of it is I am hurt.  I know that God does not 'not' do things I want him to do or pray for him to do because he doesn't like me.  But, I feel so empty about things because of the nos I keep running into. 
 
No, my husband is not going to start going to chruch.
No, my daughter is not going to listen to the words I say.
No, I am not goign to lose the weight I need to lose.
No, I am not getting the promotion.
No, my fun side job is not going to be successful.
No, friends will not respond the way I want.
 
No, no, no!
 
And I don't want to sit around and ask why?  So, I guess I just walk away, put up a wall and respond to God with apathy.  I don't want this either.  I need you Jesus!  I need you.  I know I keep thinking that I am being punished deservedly. 
 
I love you Jesus.  I need you.  I am sorry for continually putting you aside and living on emotion instead of knowledge.  I am so sorry that I have been writing down your scriptures but not using them.  Forgive me for neglecting the love you have for me in your word!