Even when you know you are not in charge

It is so hard to accept.  When I got into work this morning I found a message from a family friend.  There was an attempted abduction of an 11 year old boy less than a mile from where we live.  He got off the school bus and a van followed him home.  Then a man tried to follow him into his home. 

I was shocked.  Yes, I know that anything can happen at any time and that there are no guarantees, but this scared me.  Scared me enough to leave work at 2 pm today to be at the bus stop when Hannah gets off the bus.  This way I can talk to her about the situation and we can discuss what she should do.  I hate that I can't be there everyday or that there isn't anyone who could be there for her, but I have to leave it in the Lord's hands. 

This world is so scary.  I was reading Lysa's blog this morning about how satan tries to make us feel like little mistakes or littlw moves out of God's will won't have a tremendous effect on our life.  I know that it was something I struggled with when it came to drinking.  Was alcohol wrong for me?  I justified that there are many Christians that drink.  But that was not the issue, it wasn't what others were doing, it was what I was doing and what control it had over my life.  It came down to a horrible misunderstanding with my husband that could have broke us that caused me to finally say no more.  Then two weeks later, I wanted to drink.  I thought I had gotten past it.  But R hadn't.  Alcohol was a problem.  Not only did I embarass myself in front of friends and strangers at a party, but I also embarassed my daughter.  Then, because I was incapacitated, my husband couldn't find me and thought the worst.  Was it worth it?  Was it really worth disconnecting?  Was it worth everything that I allowed in to my life when I took a drink? 

It has now been two months since I drank.  I have been tempted to many times.  But, I am trying to remember that God has good things planned for me and I will only know when those things are staring me in the face if I am sober and able to see.

How did I go from abduction to alcohol?  Maybe because the whole situation with my daughter makes me want to have a drink.

I have felt very disconnected to all things of late.  Not exactly sure what that is all about.  I heard a woman speak at our church a few weeks ago about losing two children and while she was talking, she said that her mind was so divided that she was not able to focus.  When she said that it was an 'ah-ha' moment for me.  That is where I am at.  The divided mind.  Obviously not the same thing she was talking about - would never compare anything that I have lived through to losing a child.  Oh my.

But, my mind is divided.  I pray, but I feel like they are not reaching past the ceiling at times.  I read the Bible and it catches in my soul, but I feel as though I am not putting any of it to work in my life.  I have inappropriate emotions about different situations.  It is all kinda strange.  It is as though I am just putting one foot infront of the other and meeting the deadlines, etc.  But, not achieving or soaring. 

Anything that puts demands on me, I pull away from.  Lord, I need you to govern this divided mind and soul.  I welcome you to do it.  Put the pieces of me back together in your design, not mine.

Praising

As I drove in to work this morning, I just had to thank God.  The leaves are changing and the hills look so incredibly beautiful. 

A week ago today, I was suffering from a horrible case of food poisoning in an Albuquerque hotel.  Actually, I don't think there is anything but a horrible case of food poisoning.  What a difference a week makes! 

I can't wait until the elections are over.  The constant political ads are draining.  Unfortunately I am not excited about any of the candidates, but there are certain issues that I vote along the lines of.  I know it is controversial, but I just can't vote for someone who supports abortion.  I feel that it proves you lack compassion for human life.  Okay, I know that if anyone actually reads this, someone will be so incredibly upset, but this is my forum and my thoughts.  My feelings go way deeper than that, but that is the quick gist.

Children will be trick-or-treating tonight.  Hannah is going over to her buddy's house to go with them.  I decided to just drop her off and then pick her up.  I have been battling headaches because of the barometric pressure (I assume that is what it is), so I don't want to set myself up for failure.

Well, so much work to complete, so I am off.

Time to change

No, not the clocks. Me! 

It is difficult to look back and see that you have been in a real funk for months.  But I have been.  First, it was the medication change that threw me for a loop for a few months.  Then, giving up alcohol after a disasterous situation.  Then, waiting to find out if I would get the promotion at work (which I did not).  I have been on my back for three days with a flaring disc.  And I look at the way I have been and feel like I am existing and not living.
I have not taken the time to spend intentional time with Jesus for months.  And I have to tell you, it shows.  On "She Cooks" this morning, the scripture was:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:6-7 

Then she added, Prayerless lives are powerless lives, while prayerful lives are powerful lives!


I have been living a prayerless life and that is why I am experiencing more depression, more powerlessness, more anxiety.  My father calls to me through his word on a daily basis, but instead of going to my knees, I have been tucking that away and occupying myself with mind numbing computer games and tv. 
 
Why?  Why am I ignoring what I know?
 
I think part of it is I am hurt.  I know that God does not 'not' do things I want him to do or pray for him to do because he doesn't like me.  But, I feel so empty about things because of the nos I keep running into. 
 
No, my husband is not going to start going to chruch.
No, my daughter is not going to listen to the words I say.
No, I am not goign to lose the weight I need to lose.
No, I am not getting the promotion.
No, my fun side job is not going to be successful.
No, friends will not respond the way I want.
 
No, no, no!
 
And I don't want to sit around and ask why?  So, I guess I just walk away, put up a wall and respond to God with apathy.  I don't want this either.  I need you Jesus!  I need you.  I know I keep thinking that I am being punished deservedly. 
 
I love you Jesus.  I need you.  I am sorry for continually putting you aside and living on emotion instead of knowledge.  I am so sorry that I have been writing down your scriptures but not using them.  Forgive me for neglecting the love you have for me in your word!

Letting Go Of Worry from Faith Barista

When I read the entry below from Faith Barista, I thought, wow!  There is someone in this world that thinks like I do.  You know what, I know there are probably thousands.  I wish so much that we were able to truly be real with one another and not hide behind what we want people to think about us, but be sure that despite what they might think at that moment, they still love and accept us. 

I don't think there is anyone on this earth that we can be confident feels that way.  But, I know Jesus does.  I know in my head, but my heart doesn't always listen.  I wish it would.  I wish the head knowledge I have would move down to my heart and then it would become a consistent action in my life. 

But, I am afraid.  And, I just don't know if I could articulate why.

We can trust God. Then, why do we still worry?


Worry feels so intuitive that the times I don’t do it, I worry that I’m being careless. That’s why I love vacations so much. It’s like getting a permission slip to stop worrying. Sometimes I try to cure myself of worry by psyching myself out. I tell myself to pretend I’m on vacation.

It doesn’t work.

Another tactic I’ve used to stop worrying is to combine pure determination with logic or even reciting memory verses.

I can do it! I tell myself. But, white-knuckling gets tiring. Worse yet, I end up with an added dose of guilt for not standing up to worry.

I was praying faithfully about the things that bothered me, but I couldn’t shake my worries.

Am I Really Important To God?


So, what’s keeping me from letting go?

“Do not worry…Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?” ~ Jesus in Matthew 6:26

I know the Sunday School answer. But, the answer my heart gives is faint. I’m not entirely convinced that I’m enough.

It even feels a bit egotistical to ask whether I’m really all that important to God. After all, hasn’t the key always been to focus on God and not myself?

But, here Jesus is, telling us not to worry for the simple reason that God thinks we’re important.

It sounds so good that my skeptical heart feels it’s too good to be true. I get the same feeling every time I see those emails clog up my spam box, telling me I can get a free iPad for just taking a survey.

Carrying My Rocks


I realize the reason I can’t shake my worries even though I pray is this: Every time I lift up my concerns and problems to God in prayer, I quietly slip those rocks of burdens back into my bag and carry them out with me at Amen.

I know God means well, but I just would feel better if I had them back. Because, after all, who knows if God is really that happy with me?

Better take care of me.

Voila. That is how worry litters my path.

What God Wants


There is a happy ending to this story because Jesus really is very kind. He does love me so very much that He spoke to me during a song we sang one Sunday Service.

God is bigger than my mountain, bigger than my valley, bigger than my problem, bigger than my pain, Our God, God is faithful. ~ Lyrics to “God is Faithful” by Norman Hutchins

Maybe if I let go of trying to manage my life, I would see God leading me through it.

God is faithful, not only to do what He intends to do.

God is faithful to love me. He pursues me because He actually wants me to trust Him.

You are very important to me, Bonnie. Give me a chance to prove my love to you.

Let go of your worries and take my hand.

What’s Following You


If you look behind you and find worry and preoccupation dogging you — as they have me — turn with me to take a chance with Jesus.

Let the worst fears see the light of day. Let the plate you’ve been juggling fall. See how God can take matters into His hands. See how God can take you in His hands.

We learn day by day, to see surely goodness and mercy following us — as we bleep like sheep and let our problems play out in our Shepherd’s hands.

Maybe we’d end up discovering how much we’re really worth.

I’m sure of it.

God is faithful.

Don't think anyway is reading this, so I wanted to repost so I will remember.

Nothing More and Nothing Less


16 Sep 2010

Rachel Olsen

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought." Matthew 5:5 (MSG)

Lord, how can I become content with just who I am, nothing more and nothing less?

I'm certainly prone to want to be more, or less, than I am. To be smarter, prettier, funnier, fitter. To be more productive, perky and high energy. And then also to be lower key, calmer, more level-headed and focused.

I want to have better self-awareness, and yet I want to be less concerned about what others think of me.

I want to be a better cook, to sing beautifully and to keep th e house neat without so much perceived effort. And did I mention fuller, thicker hair would be nice too? I want to be a better writer – one that's both highly creative and meticulously organized. And I want fewer propensities to run late, slack off or procrastinate.

Yes, I want to be both more and less of me.

Jesus shushes my endless listing of the things I want to change about myself – to improve about myself so I can have what I'm sure would be a better life. He asks me instead to humbly make peace with it all. To lay down my notions of a better woman and a better life by letting Him be the judge of that. To simply take what I'm given and offer it back to Him, in service and surrender. Willingly assuming that I am enough – I have what it takes to live a great life. One that pleases God, others and self.

Today's key verse is among several in the Bible that fuels a core convi ction I hold: When I stop striving to create a life for myself, I find the life God creates for me. This, my friend, is a powerful truth, a divine secret. His life for me begins precisely where mine ends. My life ends in my sin and striving and begins again in God's grace and power. His empowering indwelling affords me everything I truly need and nothing I truly don't.

Do you too long to be content with just who you are in Christ – nothing more and nothing less? Jesus addresses us both in Matthew 23:11-12, ""Do you want to stand out? Then step down. Be a servant. If you puff yourself up, you'll get the wind knocked out of you. But if you're content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty." (MSG)

Amazingly, God's grace humbles a woman without degrading her, and His favor lifts her up without inflating her. The life she finds in Him makes her the proud owner of everything money can't buy – a life of contentment.

Dear Lord, help me to quiet my critical, striving spirit today and gratefully accept who I am and where I'm at in this moment. For You are here, ready to invisibly empower my life to count for plenty right where I am. Help me also to seek and hold your definition of "plenty" – nothing more and nothing less. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Thoughts from my commute

I started reading James this morning.  I just reread it in a different version because what I thought it was saying, I guess it isn't.  Not sure.  But while I was driving to work this morning, I thought, if I think that I am unworthy to receive God's blessings, am I actually throwing in his face the sacrifices he did for me?  I mean, he obviously thought I was worth it.  So, if I walk around all of the time saying how I am not worth his time and blessings, am I rebelling in some way?

Am I supposed to remember his sacrifice and then realize my righteousness through that? 

Encourage with (in)Courage

I received a free 10 pack of encouragement cards from (in)Courage and Dayspring.  They are visually beautiful.  But, the most stunning thing was that they speak to the heart of so many things you would want to say to someone that you would hope to encourage or let them know that you are there for them. 

I have sent two cards. 

One to a wonderful lady at my church who has become a mentor to me.  She has grown daughters my age, but when I speak to her or serve on a committee with her, she inspires me in so many ways.  She encourages me to spend more time with Jesus and to focus on my relationship with him.  But, she also encourages me to be quiet in my manner and to think before I speak.  Boy, do I need that!

I sent another to a lady that was in two of my book groups.  I know that she doesn't feel particularly worthy of much.  But she is such a strong woman.  She is always so encouraging of others and she is so supportive.  I don't get to spend much time with her.  But, I wanted her to know how special she is to me.

Thank you for reminding me to stop and look around.  God puts wonderful people in your life and often I overlook them.  These cards helped me to stop and take time to remember.