sometimes when you think you need alone time, what you really need is time not thinking about yourself. Well, at least that is the case for me right now. After being in Las Vegas last week and then coming home to a lot of work to be done here, I really needed this day off. It wasn't a special day, I really thought I would be off today and tomorrow for working the weekend. But, since I only worked on Saturday and already made appointments for Hannah and I, I decided to take the odd Thursday off.
So, after staying up with my dog last night due to thunderstorms, I decided that I would be absolutely lazy all day. Well, as I absorbed the sports massage it clicked in my mind that I really need to reach out. I need to reach out to people in my life. There are many people I need to just drop a note to and tell them that I have been thinking of them. And, that lightened my load.
I have been super tired lately. Not like last year. I have lost 30 pounds and it has helped significantly, though I still have farther to go. And, I have been feeling a bit schizophrenic in my emotions and thoughts. I guess that isn't really fair to say, because I don't know what schizophrenia is truly like, but it is the only way I know to express myself. The emotions and thoughts swing on an incredibly fast and sometimes slow pendulum. Not really sure what is going on.
I find it more difficult to be a mother now that Hannah is 13. I think the teenage years are difficult for everyone. The isolation you feel as a parent when you child now wants to be with her friends or by herself instead of you. Then, when you do get the opportunity to talk or be part of their life, it is about taking her to this event, that event. Or, she is exasperated and you have to calm yourself before you utter a word. While I have always been the mother that needs to have her own time and space and I have never been as cuddly as she has probably wanted me to be, but I miss the moments of connection. And when they do come, they are so out of sync with what is going on, I find myself missing them. And, once the time has passed, it has passed.
Life is not easy.
