It is so hard to accept. When I got into work this morning I found a message from a family friend. There was an attempted abduction of an 11 year old boy less than a mile from where we live. He got off the school bus and a van followed him home. Then a man tried to follow him into his home.
I was shocked. Yes, I know that anything can happen at any time and that there are no guarantees, but this scared me. Scared me enough to leave work at 2 pm today to be at the bus stop when Hannah gets off the bus. This way I can talk to her about the situation and we can discuss what she should do. I hate that I can't be there everyday or that there isn't anyone who could be there for her, but I have to leave it in the Lord's hands.
This world is so scary. I was reading Lysa's blog this morning about how satan tries to make us feel like little mistakes or littlw moves out of God's will won't have a tremendous effect on our life. I know that it was something I struggled with when it came to drinking. Was alcohol wrong for me? I justified that there are many Christians that drink. But that was not the issue, it wasn't what others were doing, it was what I was doing and what control it had over my life. It came down to a horrible misunderstanding with my husband that could have broke us that caused me to finally say no more. Then two weeks later, I wanted to drink. I thought I had gotten past it. But R hadn't. Alcohol was a problem. Not only did I embarass myself in front of friends and strangers at a party, but I also embarassed my daughter. Then, because I was incapacitated, my husband couldn't find me and thought the worst. Was it worth it? Was it really worth disconnecting? Was it worth everything that I allowed in to my life when I took a drink?
It has now been two months since I drank. I have been tempted to many times. But, I am trying to remember that God has good things planned for me and I will only know when those things are staring me in the face if I am sober and able to see.
How did I go from abduction to alcohol? Maybe because the whole situation with my daughter makes me want to have a drink.
I have felt very disconnected to all things of late. Not exactly sure what that is all about. I heard a woman speak at our church a few weeks ago about losing two children and while she was talking, she said that her mind was so divided that she was not able to focus. When she said that it was an 'ah-ha' moment for me. That is where I am at. The divided mind. Obviously not the same thing she was talking about - would never compare anything that I have lived through to losing a child. Oh my.
But, my mind is divided. I pray, but I feel like they are not reaching past the ceiling at times. I read the Bible and it catches in my soul, but I feel as though I am not putting any of it to work in my life. I have inappropriate emotions about different situations. It is all kinda strange. It is as though I am just putting one foot infront of the other and meeting the deadlines, etc. But, not achieving or soaring.
Anything that puts demands on me, I pull away from. Lord, I need you to govern this divided mind and soul. I welcome you to do it. Put the pieces of me back together in your design, not mine.
